dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
