Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
