Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
