I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm bleeding and have questions
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
