Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I wish I only lived at night.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it was like having sex with a tree stump
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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