I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
