literally had 100 drinks last night.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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