Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
