fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just found puke in my bra..
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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