I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
