i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
