I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
