My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
