Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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