I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
