This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
