Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
