Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
