My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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