you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
