if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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