I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
