Plan B is the new Plan A
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I am available for nakedness
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
