Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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