my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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