"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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