He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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