This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
