I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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