Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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