i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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