worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
