I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
