Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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