I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
