Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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