its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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