spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
