Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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