So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
