On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
