Apparently you make a good broom.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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