We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
