I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
it glows. i had to have it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
