we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
