I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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