I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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