Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
