party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
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