Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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